I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“We will wed,” I threatened
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I love it all
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.