I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
this is the greatest thing ever
Oh. My. God.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?