The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
oh you like road-trips? name every road then