CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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he’s doing your taxes
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
that colleague who touches your screen
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Every work call, he judges.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it