I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.