“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online