Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”