Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”