I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”