My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
If snakes were wide
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
same energy
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.