Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy