If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve