That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.