[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Breaking news:
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
me linking you to my twitter