Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?