If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.