If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
When your man makes a valid point
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”