reminder
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Yup….perfect score!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Beware…..
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My Sentiments Exactly
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host