Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!