Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated