I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.