As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I can’t wait!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”