My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
lmfao
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
School be like
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower