[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.