I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
some things should go without saying
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals