My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me