Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*