Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock