This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You Might Also Like
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”