using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn