FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.