Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*