My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.