[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
No, he would not have.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”