When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.