I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
True
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands