*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The point of your 20s
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Jurassic park gets weird