With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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LOOOOOOL
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar