I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar