I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.