him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>