Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Does it…does it take 3 days
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I have two kinds of followers
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”