Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.