Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My new favorite headline
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Succinctly put.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.