Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My love language is deader than Latin
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.