Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up