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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex