I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
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1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all