[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.