Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.